This is for black women:
Do you disqualify yourself when you meet a love interest and all your insecurities flare-up? Especially if the insecurities are based on issues like colorism?
This happened recently and I immediately started coming up with AAAALLLLLL the reasons why he could never be into me. It's crazy to think that I grew up feeling ugly solely on the fact that I am dark skinned and concluded therefore that light skinned men should not and could not be into me!
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"I disqualified myself from a chance at love"
I was thinking “Nah I’m waayy out of HIS league and I’m probably not his type 😔” And then to affirm my negative thinking I browsed through his IG to see who he follows and NONE of the girls he follows look ANYWHERE near like me 😒 Why did I break my own heart like that?
I was dissapointed but I was honestly just looking to affirm the fact that he's not into dark skinned women. I started seeing a trend with this every time someone genuinely showed interest. First it was if their followers were dark skinned women and then it was also if they were skinny or plump. SMH!
Now let’s be honest here. A lot of things we do is to affirm certain core beliefs. A therapist I used to see helped me understand one of my core beliefs is that I don’t believe I’m enough or not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough etc. So I actually tend to get into habits, situations or behavior to AFFIRM that core belief about myself. So browsing through his followers affirmed the belief that I must not be his type.
The bigger truth is that I don’t think I’m “enough” to be his type- skinny enough, light-skinned enough, pretty enough etc... So the question is, how do I hold my confidence in who I am as a direct descendant of my ancestors who were philosophers, scientists, mathematicians, poets, storytellers, healers.... and also with the reality that I may not be everyone’s cup of tea.
Maybe the answer is somewhere in the middle (in my Carrie Bradshaw voice). I’m a whole package but that doesn’t mean it’s for everyone. Him being attracted to other types of women doesn’t lessen my value;
"My value is based on what I know to be true about me!"
I would love for us as black women to stop equating our worth based on the male approval. I might explore how this dynamic plays out with black male approval later on.
But even if he didn’t notice me, I’d still be a powerful black woman that makes magic happen wherever I go.
All to say, don’t disqualify yourself from a love interest just because you think you’re not his cup of tea.
As long as YOU like the tea you're brewing, that's literally all that matters sis.
I hope you learn how to OWN YOUR AUTHENTICITY without male approval. Don't worry if you're his type, are you YOUR own type? And maybe after getting to know the person you might realize YOU'RE the one out of their league lol!
Anyway, I'll end my essay here...
How do you overcome self-disqualification? Comments are open.for black women only
